What to get that special girl in your life

Isn't it always a mystery to understand girls and to know what really attracts them? Now there is some trace of light in the path. New Scientist reports that worthless gifts attract girls a lot and scientists have proved it using mathematical modelling. So to attract girls, don't try to gift something "useful". Make sure its useless such as crabs from Seattle. What girl wouldnt love getting crabs from you?

Girl's

What is it with girls forwarding crap to every single person they know? One of these loathsome creatures forwarded me a story about a little girl buying a miracle for $1.11. I replied that I would gladly pay $1.11 for the miracle of never receiving a piece of email from her again. I also added the melodramatic touch of praying that god would have mercy upon her soul for forwarding such trite emotional nonsense. It really brightened up my day.

Cotton the fabric of our lives

Last April fools I decided to actually pull a prank off, since nobody at my job ever tries to. I was reading Catch 22 at the time and there is a scene were Milo can't sell his cotton, so he tries to cover it in chocolate and sell it to the soldiers. I thought this was pretty funny, so I bought some cotton balls and melted a pan full of chocolate and made a plate of chocolate coated cotton confections for my coworkers. I did a good job making them, and they looked delicious! It went over pretty well at first, people would bite into one and laugh as they pulled bits of cotton from their mouths. Then Gus came along and swallowed an entire cotton ball. He apparently said "the chocolate was good, but the filling was a bit odd". When someone told him it was a prank and that he had just eaten cotton, he sorta flipped out. He threw my plate against the wall and said he was going to "kick my bum". I apologized, but he doesn't strike me as the forgiving type. Turns out his name wasn't even Gus. He had double bypass surgery two weeks later.

Survival Tips

Survival Tips
Are you afraid that you might end up stranded in the middle of a forest with only your wits to survive by? Well never fear, for I have written a series of survival tips based on information learned on my school camping trip in 6th grade, wild speculation, and lies.

William's Survival Tips

1. Dont be a Jew.
2. Don't cry. Bears can smell tears from up to 10 miles away.
3. Rivers: Just an innocent part of nature? Or are they to blame for everything bad that's happened to you today? Throw your shoes into the river to teach it a lesson.
4. To determine if those bright red berries are edible, try smelling them. If they don't smell poisonous they're probably fine.
5. Mountain lions will fall asleep if you whistle the techno song 'clubbed to death' by Rob D.
6. In episode 192 of Dragonball Z, Gohan teaches Videl how to fly. You should have watched this episode, because then you wouldn't be stuck in the forest. You'd be flying.
7. If you run into any snakes, just give up, you're pretty much dead no matter what.
8. It's like 98 degrees out. Why are you wearing a jacket? Take off that jacket. S-hit man. This isn't rocket science here. You do WANT to live don't you? If not that is fine with me, go ahead and die I WANT you to.